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Today, I realized I should stop doubting myself

For the past few days, I felt my spirit feeling crushed. I had the weekend to recover and blow off steam and today is Monday coming back to work. Today I felt again my spirit crushed and it was stomped over and over again.

 

I feel I am back to my high school self, when I had a web blog, I documented all the things that happened to me that day, things that made me angry, further validated why I disliked so-and-so, cryptically wrote about my crushes, and all my friends did the same. I remembered back then it was therapeutic to write it somewhere in universe and to get it off my chest. Writing was an important way for me to express myself and my thoughts out loud.

This was way before the days of Instagram with those quotes you find off Google Images or Pinterest. This was way before the days of writing a Facebook (blog) post rather than a Facebook status. I felt back then writing on a web blog and not a lot of web blog authors there was more originality.

I was warned writing on a blog was going to bite me some day and unfortunately I followed. Years went by and I was holding on all my thoughts rather than writing it somewhere. I felt suppressed and I felt I no longer had the ability to express myself. It was like I lost the ability to speak.

Today, I felt the urge write on my blog to just get this feeling off my chest. Last Thursday was awful. I don’t want to get into to much detail, but I few to San Jose for work (from Burbank) and coming home, they didn’t let me fly home at my schedule flight. I was arguing over and over and got on the next flight which was another hour later. It was so stressful I needed the day off to recouperate. My workaholic mind told me I had to be in the office the following day, and listened.

On Friday, I was still fuming. It was not good for my spirit. I thought to myself “It’s only 8 hours and then its the weekend, I’ll be better.”

I did get somewhat better over the weekend and went back to work. I was still feeling bitter and spiritually exhausted from being so bitter for so long. I was looking forward to next week to get that week off and go to Portland and Seattle.

I don’t want to disclose too many details of what happened today. Maybe as I am writing this, pieces of what happen will come out. It’s inevitable. I’m sure they wanted to disclose this with me at a better time but there’s no such thing as perfect timing, but really, I’ve been working hard through this past weekend to fill myself spiritually. To feel happier, feel like myself again. That morning those feelings went out the window when someone told me this comment. I was somewhat offended and felt somewhat violated. What made it worse was asking me this, “what are you going to do about it?”

My answer: absolutely nothing. Yes, there are voice lessons to help with reducing my “slight accent” but I’m not an actress trying to break into British roles. Besides, I spend a lot of time (and money) investing myself to improve myself professionally and personally. Making an ordeal to me about someone commenting  about my “accent” as a bad thing is fucking nitpicky. Also, I was reading from a fucking script over the phone.

To those with accents when they speak English, you add character. It’s bravery. I invested in myself to be brave and be proud of who I am to other people, not to be someone else.

Has it occured to this messenger there maybe a lot of factors to why this person couldn’t understand me over the phone and it has nothing to do with me. For examples, their speaker quality may be poor on their phone or maybe my microphone was too far and I should place it closer or maybe they had poor hearing. Also ultimately, it was their fault to not report to me they could not hear me and instead waited to tell someone else.

I decided, and because I am writing this, it’s official: I am going to stand my ground and not do anything about it. This whole “accent” comment and the way it was presented pushed me over the edge as I was getting better from last week. It really pushed me over the edge when you told me I’ve contributed a lot to my department, my employer, and this one comment eclipses all that? It’s a “full-blown identity crisis” if you are pushing all the good things and bomb it with the one bad thing as my defining character.

I decided to give myself the rest of the day off for a mental health break before I self-destruct and/or hurt someone else. As much as I wanted to go barre or go hiking, two activities I love, I needed to get started on that grad school application, talk to as many people as I can about my day, write about my day, and focus what’s good and what I’ve accomplished in today. So far, my wins today are…

  1. Received a “thank you” e-mail from a coworker
  2. Got funds to continue a program
  3. Had two engaging conversations at work
  4. Happy to post help finish a posting for Memorial Day
  5. Started my grad school application
  6. Started my personal statement for grad school
  7. After work, drove my husband’s work and talked about what happenned to me
  8. Talked lots of people about my day
  9. Wrote this post
  10. Continued to clean the backyard. Lately, it’s starting to look nice.
  11. Placed my lavender and basil to a pot a couple days back, it’s not drooping. That’s a victory.

Today I got 11 wins and 1 lost. I count all my good moments, stack them up like bricks, and you can’t take that away from me. I will no longer continue to seek validation from someone and will only find it in me.

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